Darker Nights

This is an honest post.  An honest post about my heart.  Because, if I were honest, life has been dark.  It’s been a dark 3 months, an aching 3 months, a crying 3 months, a grieving and mourning 3 months.  

For the most part work has kept me busy and distracted, and I’m thankful that it has.  Sports festivals, basketball playoffs, a teachers’ softball tournament, and preparing for my successor, on top of my usual workload, has made June an even busier month than last year’s.  But I know working late and working weekends and bringing work home won’t heal the aches of my heart or calm the anxieties that keep me tossing and turning at night.

I’ve had to be really careful the last 3 months to take care of my heart.  It’s hard.  Because sometimes sitting and wallowing in pain seems better than trying to actually get better because progress usually hurts and, on occasion, fails.  And the easier solution is to stay in my PJs under the covers and wallow with my aching heart, ice cream, and Youtube videos.

Though the past 3 months have been painful, God is increasingly good.  Too good. I got to spend time with my brother in Tokyo and take a trip home to be with family. In 3 months, the snow has melted, the weather has warmed up, and we’ve walked together late at night after work.  Date nights have been amazingly intimate, and it’s easily my favorite night of the week.  

Aside from Monday date nights at home, we went on a spectacular date to Higashimokoto to see the shibazakura flowers and enjoyed the fireworks.  I physically felt the presence of God as I wandered through paths of pink flowers glistening with raindrops.  His voice clearly whispered, “I promised I’d never leave.”

Last Thursday night, I went for a walk after my night class.  I walked down to the river where there are no lights.  It was in the darkness that I realized how brightly the moon shone on the river.  I walked in the dark by the light of the moon.  The moon shines brightest on the darkest nights.  God’s grace shines brightest in my darkest seasons—if only I take the time to look and see it there plainly in front of me.  God’s Word will guide me through my dark days and darker nights.

And it’s hard for me to feel so heavy when I look back on God’s goodness these last 3 months.  But I am.  I feel guilty for still aching and grieving.  But I know that like the long winter finally coming to an end in my tiny village, some times dark seasons never seem like they’ll end.  But spring is here, the grass is green, the flowers are blooming, and it’s warming up.  I know this dark season won’t last forever.