The Liar & The Lawyer

The title of today's lesson was "I want to be a teacher," and so I taught all 3 of my students the titles of different occupations from a set list the main teacher had selected. The last one was "lawyer," which my students pronounced as "liar." I had to explain that while they sounded similar the two "occupations" are quite different.

The last couple of days I've been listening to the Liar. Because Saturday night, I goofed up and I've been putting off God. I've been hiding in the corner. Why? Because this is what I heard...

If you go to God with your sin and ask for forgiveness, it's going to hurt. If it doesn't hurt, it doesn't mean you've thought this through long enough. There's a price to be paid, you know?

And I avoided God. I knew I needed to ask God for grace but I didn't want it to hurt. I set aside tonight to sit down and get it over with. Like ripping off a band-aid, as one of my friends put it.

This morning while under the covers, I texted one of my sisters, half-explaining what was going on in my heart. She told me to read Hosea to remind me who I am and why I'm here. But I didn't. I didn't want to be reminded because I was afraid. The Liar handed me a cup of coffee. Maybe Saturday night was one step back towards where you came from. Maybe you haven't really changed after all.

Instead of flipping to Hosea, I opted for my "Bible in a Year" reading passage. Leviticus. I've probably read Leviticus 4 or 5 times. It's the book that always gets me stuck when I try to read the Bible in a year. I've never understood all the laws and purification rituals and sacrifices. I didn't undertand it...until tonight.

Because this morning I read about atonement for sin--which literally means a reparation for sin. A price must be paid. The reparation comes through shed blood. A sacrifice is made, blood is sprinkled, and sins are atoned.

And as I moped around the house trying to avoid God, I heard these words of "Before the Throne of God Above" and I stopped.

Before the throne of God above

I have a strong and perfect plea

The great High Priest whose name is love

Who ever lives and pleads for me

My name is graven on His hands

My name is written on His heart

I know that while in heaven He stands

No tongue can bid me thence depart

No tongue can bid me thence depart

When Satan tempts me to despair

And tells me of the guilt within

Upward I look and see Him there

Who made an end for all my sin

Because the sinless Savior died

My sinful soul is counted free

For God the Just is satisfied

To look on Him and pardon me

To look on Him and pardon me

My High Priest, my Lawyer, stands in my defense before the Just Judge. The sinless Savior died--a sacrifice was made, blood was shed, and my sins were atoned for. They're forgiven. They were nailed to the cross with my guilt and my shame, and Christ died for them. And He rose again 3 days later victoriously. Victorious over sin, shame, and the grave.

I know how easy it is to go back, but one night doesn't mean I'm a lost cause. The cross of Christ is more powerful than that. So with the bread and the cup, I remembered my Savior's sacrifice and the freedom He's given me. The Liar told me tonight was going to hurt. But the Lawyer said my case was closed--I am already redeemed by the blood of Jesus and He can't love me any more than He does right now.

Stupidly Brilliant...or Brilliantly Stupid

There's a snow storm right now. It started snowing this morning around 9. Just light snow all day. A grey sky and a steady snow fall. Didn't think much of it as I continually washed my hands of preschool germs.

Go to my car around 2:30. A good 2 inches on my windshield and a bunch of snowflakes attached to my face.

Back to the office. My personal car is sitting in the lot after being at the mechanics for a few days. Covered in snow. Fantastic. Watch a bus driver struggle to wash his bus in the snow storm. Why you wash a bus in a snow storm? Stupidly brilliant or brilliantly stupid?

My coworkers and I watch the man wash his bus. Finally I ask my boss why he was washing the bus in a snow storm, and my boss replied, "I don't know. It's not an airplane." Steady snow fall continues.

Pack up my stuff at 5 and drive my car down the street to the junior high school for basketball. I can't see the road and park completely crooked because there are no reference points. Snow flakes attack my face in the 45 second walk to the door. Finish practice. Brace myself for snow storm. Wind is stronger and I'm covered in snow. Watch one of my students eat it walking down the street.

I know better. This happened last year when I tried to come home for Christmas. Steady snow fall all day and all night. The next morning I couldn't open my front door because someone built my house with front door that opens out. Stupidly brilliant or brilliantly stupid?

At 9:00 I decide I need to go outside and check. Snow is 1 inch past the door. Luckily it's fluffy and the door opens. Lots of snow in the last 3.5 hours. A few inches of powder cover my car. I decide I need to shovel the driveway now because I won't have time in the morning...or I'll be stuck in the house and I won't be able to shovel. Stupidly brilliant or brilliantly stupid?

I'm the only person out shoveling the 5 inches of snow off my driveway. I've finally beat the system! I will be the only one with a semi-shoveled driveway in the morning. I'm the only one out here! HA! Take that village! I got you this time! Stupidly brilliant or brilliantly stupid?

In that moment, a GIANT gust of wind picks up and blows my eyeballs full of snow flakes. It's suddenly white out and I decide it's time to go inside...defeated.

No one was outside because no one is STUPID enough to shovel their driveway in a blizzard! It seemed brilliant when I started. But after the snow in my eyeballs, I realized it was stupid. But I might have a head start on my shoveling tomorrow morning.

Winter Shower

Showering has got to be the best and worst part of my day in the winter.

My shower routine goes something like this:

1) Boil water in kettle.

2) Pour boiled water down shower drain to unblock frozen pipe.

3) Turn on shower for 10 minutes to heat shower room/floor.

4) Undress and jump into the shower as fast as possible.

5) Dance around because numb toes feel like they're on fire.

6) Flail for shampoo because there's too much fog to actually see where it is.

7) Relax and soak in the hot water and enjoy the warmth of the shower.

Steps 4, 5, and 6 make me wish I could use baby wipes and never use the shower during the frigid winter months. Every night I dread #4,5,6 because it is painfully cold. And the dreaded anticipation has, on occasion, gotten the best of me.

I think going to God for grace is often like taking a shower in the winter. I get everything ready to go and talk to God and ask for forgiveness. I block off my calendar, turn off my phone, get off Facebook. I sit in silence and I wait. I wait for that moment when my heart is still and silent. Somewhere in that process I panic. I panic because I know what's coming next and it'll be painful. The soul searching and the sin killing and the heart cleansing are painful. I have to take that deep breath and just go for it, run in at full abandonment. And it does hurt. But it hurts in the way that my numb toes hurt when they're defrosting--they hurt with life coming back into them. Stumbling and bumbling and flailing for hope, for something familiar, and it's always in the same place--the Word. And I can rest and relax and enjoy being showered in God's grace.

So tonight after I play nagaho for 2 hours out on the ice and my toes are purple and frozen solid, as I dance around in the shower, I'll thank God for the pain that brings life...to my toes and my heart.

Burnt Office Coffee

There are a lot of days and nights when I wish I were somewhere else.

And many mornings like today when it's -18C, my humidifier ran out of water, and my heater sucked all the moisture out of the air and made my throat feel like I swallowed the Sahara desert in my sleep.

I never asked God to come to the coldest village in Japan. That was not on my wishlist. I asked God for Japan--not here, not a frozen dairy farming village an hour away from the closest drive-thru.

I asked God for Tokyo--the bright lights and big city and crowded subways and 4'x4' apartments.

I asked God for Kyoto--the old and new, the tourist spot, and always packed with tourists.

I asked God for Hiroshima--the new city with history, the city where my family came from.

I often roll over in bed and wish I could stop by Starbucks on my way to the office instead of drinking burnt office coffee. I wish I could ride the subway to my schools (instead of shoveling the office driveway to get my car out) and stopping at McDonald's would be on my way home. I wish things were...convenient.

But God knew better. I think I often forget that. Last night I spent 2 hours playing hockey with the villagers. Tomorrow I'm having dinner at my boss's house. I sat at home 2 nights this week working on my book and reading a book on my couch.

I wouldn't have asked for that. Never. Never in a million years would I have asked to be sent here--to the middle of frozen nowhere. But this is where I needed to be. For my own sake. All the convenience had to become inconvenient for me to see God--everywhere.

I've actually had time to sit...and be still. To rest. To wrestle. To write. To read. To watch and witness. To wait and see. To listen. To learn. To thank. To be. To be healed. Be loved. Be forgiven. Be redeemed. Be restored. Be renewed. Be refreshed. Be grateful.

While I drink my burnt office coffee, I'll remember why God brought me here--because this is exactly where He needed me to be.

A Season of Change

I went back and forth a lot after I sent out an email asking for prayer regarding my contract. I have had a hard time setting aside time to sit and be still and listen because I had a teachers seminar to teach and it totally had me stressed out and working crazy hours. But the times I did have to sit with Jesus and talk things over, the resounding question was, "Do you trust Me? Do you trust Me enough to leave?"

It would be comfortable and easy (well, not easy) to stay another year. I don't have to look for a job, and nothing about my life in this village would change for another 18 months. And if you know me at all, you know I don't like change. But I know God called me to Shibecha for a reason and for a season. "Do you trust Me enough to leave?"

Deep down a lot of the reason why I wanted to stay longer is because I want to see the people in this village love Jesus. I am afraid I will be the only Christian these people ever meet. What kind of Jesus have I shown them these past 18 months? What kind of Jesus will I show them these next 6? I can share the Gospel and spark conversations and plant seeds, but I can't change their hearts. Only God can change their hearts and He's the One the ultimately will make the seeds I plant grow. "Do you trust Me enough to leave?"

So I finally had time to go to my boss's house last week and break the news to him and his wife. It's hard; he and his family have become my family here. His wife was sad I decided to leave, but he said he understood. I told him I'd work my hardest the remaining 6 months in the office, and he told me I needed to enjoy the rest of my time in Japan.

The following morning I handed him my papers complete with my signature finalizing my decision not to continue teaching after July.

NOW WHAT?

Well, I have 6 months left to make the most of village life. I'm playing in the hockey league again with the railroad workers. I'm going to the snow festival. I'm spending more time with the people around me, the people in the village. I'm going to eat my boss's wife's cooking more often. I'm going to enjoy the sunsets and my quiet nights at home. I'm going to keep praying for revival in this village. I'm going to keep sharing the Gospel when the Spirit opens doors. I'm going to keep praying for opportunities to share about Jesus and His love and His grace and His sacrifice. I'm going to enjoy the frozen tundra and clear starry nights. I'm going to finish writing my book and write more poetry. I'm going to enjoy my time in the office and my time in the classroom. I'm going to make the most of my 6 months.

WHAT'S NEXT?

That's an excellent question. I have no idea. I have some leads, but I'm going to spend the next couple of weeks and months praying for guidance and direction. I would love to come back to year-round sunshine and 70 degree weather, but it's His will above mine. I'm going trust God will get me where He wants me to be...and that He'll provide whatever I need wherever I am.