Migraines & Bagels

Last night, I had a migraine...or what I think was a migraine. I went to sleep around 1:30 and woke up around 3 in excruciating pain. Like someone was taking a screwdriver to my left temple. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn't. I was afraid of rolling over on my left side and applying any more pressure should my brain decide to explode with the extra weight. It hurt so bad I thought I was going to puke, so I flipped over my makeshift night stand (a bucket) and hung off the side of my bed for a while. I got up and took 2 extra strength pain relievers, turned to my worship playlist on my iPod, and started to pray. I fell back asleep after about an hour and a half, and woke up a little before 8 with just a slight headache. I've never had my head hurt like that and I hope it doesn't happen again.

Since I stayed at home all day recovering from last night, I decided to try and make bagels. Yeast scares me. I hear of terrible yeast stories. But I decided to try it. And, well, yeah, I'm not quite sure what happened. I also didn't know you had to boil bagels...I learned a lot tonight.

Yeast...got big.

Then I realized I had to make 12 bagels...and could only bake 2 at a time.

And I could only boil one bagel at a time...and I didn't know for how long.

The recipe told me to "flatten" the bagels before I boiled & baked them...

I'm not sure what happened to these ones...but they were like rubber frisbees.

Bubu...to the garbage you go!

So out of 12 bagels, 6 ended up flat as a pancake, 2 ended up in the trash, and 4 looked like bagels!

BINGO

After a crazy week, I had shinnenkai (New Year Party) with work tonight. At first I didn't look forward to these dinner parties after work, but I've started to enjoy them more and more. I think my coworkers are getting more used to me being around and started building relationships. So it is nice to socialize together outside of the office.

Bingo is really popular. I used to think Bingo was something old people did at the community center on Tuesdays at 11:00. But, yeah, we play Bingo at almost every one of these work dinner parties.

The first round is for prizes. They have a couple of "good" prizes--tonight's included a humidifier, "Sherlock Holmes" Blu-Ray and DVD, and a silicone microwave steamer. But they also have random prizes...like strange snacks. So you get Bingo, stick your hand in a giant bag full of stuff, and hope to pull out a snack with a gold, silver, or bronze sticker indicating you won a "good" prize.

If, however, two or more people get Bingo on the same number, you must rock-paper-scissors for the winner. It's quite intense...especially when it happens during the second and third rounds of Bingo.

After the first round prizes are gone, we start playing for money. Everyone pays between 500-1000 yen (depending on the game), and then you can win cash prizes. I made out with 3000 yen tonight...and some strange snacks. Bingo is the best game ever.

So when I ask for things to be in English in the office, these two older gentlemen always tell me I should just study more Japanese. But tonight, I got them back. Because while everyone was downing beers and whiskey and other alcoholic beverages, they decided that I should read the Bingo numbers...in English. It went something like this:

"B THIRTEEN"

"EH?! I DON'T UNDERSTAND ENGLISH! JAPANESE PLEASE!"

"BEEEE SATEEN"

"AHHH BEEE SATEE!"

"NOOO...B RETSU JUUSAN!"

"I UNDERSTAND ENGLISH! YOSH!"

And after the final Bingo, our superintendent (not sure what his title translates to in English...he's our boss boss) told me I had great English pronunciation. I told him I practiced today. Yay English!

Storms

Jehovah-jireh.

The Lord will provide.

As I have been wrestling with my contract papers, God has given me a few recurring thoughts: the sacrifice of Isaac, provide, and Adonai. I have earnestly sought the counsel and prayer of many believers, and yet, these 3 ideas remain.

Today we had a snow storm. It was my first time having to go to work in a snow storm. I was covered head to toe in white powder in a short 7-minute walk to the office. I didn't teach until after lunch, so I sat in the office with a lot of time to think. And think I did.

In Mark 6, the disciples encounter a storm on the sea of Galilee on their way to Bethsaida. Jesus told them to get into the boat and go to Bethsaida (Mark 6:45). He told them and He knew a storm was going to come. He went up a mountain to pray (Mark 6:46). He saw them in the storm and He let them stay in the storm for a while (Mark 6:48). And in the midst of the storm, the disciples almost missed their Savior. But they didn't. And when they called out to Him, He told them to not be afraid and calmed the storm (Mark 6:48-51). They went to Gennesaret, not Bethsaida (Mark 6:53). Eventually, they get to Bethsaida (Mark 8:22), but they were detoured to Gennesaret, Tyre, Sidon and Dalamanthua before they got to their originally intended destination. Between Gennesaret and Bethsaida, Jesus has a lot to say and teach and show His disciples. I think their detour had a purpose, and Jesus knew that it would.

What does that have to do with my contract papers?

I think I'm in Gennesaret. I got into the boat, a storm hit (thank You, Jesus for coming to my rescue and having people on that boat with me), and I landed in Gennesaret, not Bethsaida, not Corporate America. No, I landed in a tiny isolated village in the middle of nowhere Japan. Like the disciples journey from Gennesaret to Bethsaida, I think Jesus has a lot to say and teach and show me before I get to my originally intended destination.

My Isaac is that corner window office looking over Corporate America. My Isaac is comfort and security. I can say I took it to the altar to sacrifice, but I got up to Mount Moriah hoping, wishing God would provide a sacrifice. I never actually put my Isaac on the altar and took a knife to it with faith that God would do what He promised. I'm not saying God promised me a corner window office and a life of comfort and security. My God promised to provide and I'm stupid enough to think Corporate America is the only means for Him to do that. I'm afraid if I sacrifice, if I really lay down that corner window office that God will provide in a way that will humble me beyond my wildest expectations. Because I went to a good college and earned a difficult degree, people expect me to have a certain job, a certain lifestyle. So what happens when God says He'll provide and it's something completely opposite of what the world is expecting?

Faith.

Faith to believe that God's provisions will be more than enough. Faith to believe that God would be bigger in my life than the expectations of the world. Faith to believe that God doesn't go back on His promises. Faith to believe that God will meet every single one of my needs. Faith to believe that God knows me better than I know myself. Faith to believe that landing in Gennesaret has a purpose and God has a plan.

God is Adonai, my Lord. The One who has superior authority over my life. Every day that I'm here or in America or Jamaica or wherever He leads me, I must die to myself and be obedient to His calling for my life, in the big and small ways. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. And I will know Him and enjoy Him forever.

How long have I been in this storm?

So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form

Water's getting harder to tread

With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you

Everything would be all right

If I'd see you

This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water

And you will catch me if I fall

And I will get lost into your eyes

I know everything will be alright

I know everything is alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown

So why am I ten feet under and upside down

Barely surviving has become my purpose

Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you

Everything would be all right

If i'd see you

This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water

And you will catch me if I fall

And I know everything will be alright

I know everything will be alright

"Storm" -- Lifehouse

Chicken livers

I have this fantastic little saying when things seem to go awry: chicken livers.

I live in a an absolutely gorgeous little village (cold as it may be) and I'm in Japan, the place my heart has always longed to be. I have a job and fantastic coworkers. I play basketball and see beautiful sunsets everyday. I praise God that I am here in this tiny village because He has given me the desire of my heart.

And then I go to the store to buy dinner. While my Japanese is improving, there are many characters which I still cannot read. So while I try to buy meat, I end up coming home with chicken livers. Why would you eat chicken livers?! Why, God, would You send me to a country that eats chicken livers?!

Then it's the realization that Satan got me to focus on chicken livers and take my eyes of Jesus. That I started focusing on me, not the bigger picture.

So now when things go awry, I say, "chicken livers," laugh a little and praise God for His sense of humor. I've learned to use chicken livers as a reminder to thank God in all circumstances and situations. Because chicken livers for dinner doesn't change the fact that God is still God, God is still in control, and God can't love me any more than He does right now. Chicken livers doesn't change the fact that He alone is worthy of my worship all the time simply because of who He is.

Last night, I had a chicken livers moment. I thought I'd be a healthy kid and do laundry on a Saturday night before I went to bed. Threw my laundry in the washer and was journaling and reading my Bible waiting for it to be done so I could jump into bed. It beeps so I open the laundry room door and *splash*. Laundry room is flooded because the washer drain was frozen...just like my toilet and shower drains. My socks, slippers, and PJs were wet, my laundry room was filled with water, and I was tired. It would've been easy to get upset in that moment, and (if you knew me from before I met Jesus) getting angry and frustrated would be my first reaction. But I chose to say, "chicken livers," laughed, and thanked God I had a laundry room and that my whole house didn't flood. I thanked Him for clothes to wash and a washing machine in my own house. I thanked Him for the excessive number of towels I managed to find laying around the house. I thanked Him for a chance to thank Him in wet socks.

Chicken livers.

Recycle shops

These aren't your Goodwill and Salvation Army stores. Sure, they have clothes and they have that weird recycle store smell. But they also have electric guitars, fancy digital cameras, collector figurines, washers and dryers, and an assortment of designer handbags (which aren't very cheap). Some stores even sell rims. Recycle shops in Japan are amazing. You can buy almost new stuff for a fairly decent price.

We have 3 decent recycle shops in Kushiro, and my friend and I visited all of them in search of a snowboard with bindings and boots. I was on a mission today to buy a snowboard since it's snowboarding season and will be for the next 4 months or so. I came out with a snowboard with bindings (5800) but had to buy new boots (6900) at the sports store. It didn’t seem like such a bad deal, except that my boots cost more than the board and bindings. But I figured it was cheaper than buying an entirely new set of everything. And my board and bindings are pretty nice for the price I paid. I was expecting to spend a lot more than I did today, so it was a good day of shopping. Now just time to hit the slopes!

Eikaiwa

"Eikaiwa" literally means "English Conversation Meeting". This is what I do on Thursday nights.

Every Thursday from 7:00-9:00 I teach an adult English conversation class at the local community center on the other side of the river (it's not that far; I used to bike when it was warmer). My class size ranges anywhere from 4 to 12 students on a given week. The English level in my class varies...a lot. I have people who have studied English for years and I have others who can barely do a simple self-introduction. Usually by Thursday, I'm worn out from the week and I complain a lot before going to teach this class, but it is by far my most enjoyable class I teach.

Every week we do something different--I get to make the lesson plans for a 2 hour class. Sometimes we just play games. Sometimes we just do interviews. Sometimes we watch movies. Tonight we did storytelling.

I cut out 21 random pictures from old newspapers I had lying around the house. I had groups of 3 pick 7 pictures...and then told them to tell a story using the pictures. They took a long time to do this. I thought of multiple stories for each set of pictures in the time it took for them to write one. We had a war love story which was quite creative. We had a panda who became a boy and grew up and got married and had a son who played college football and went on to become a NBA player. Then we did a collective class story with all 21 pictures which involved a stranded plane and a time travelling car. Needless to say, it was an interesting night of English conversation.

Dare to Dream

So, I'm still wrestling with my recontract forms. And unfortunately, it's led to some sleepless nights.

Last night, I was laying in bed talking to God about the whole thing. He asked me what the desire of my heart was, what my dream was. My dream? I don't have a dream anymore; I don't have time to dream. I lay there for a long time trying to dream of something. In my hurriedness to grow up and mature, I replaced my ability to dream with coping and accepting. I stopped reaching and settled for receiving.

One of the definitions on dictionary.com for "dream" is "a cherished hope." A cherished hope.

I don't think I dreamed of sitting in a cubicle; I'm not sure many people do. I don't think I dreamed of wearing a suit for the next forty years of my life; I'm not sure many people do. I don't think I dreamed of sitting in rush hour traffic everyday; I'm not sure many people do. But that was the life I was expecting, that I was ready to accept after college.

My dream job? Wearing Timberlands and sweatpants everyday. Check. Playing basketball with kids. Check. Influencing people around me. Check. Having work/life balance. Check. Writing a book and lots of poetry. Check. I'm not sure many accountants can check all those boxes.

It took a leap of faith to get outside the cubicle. I often wonder what it would've been like to have stayed in LA working 8-5 in a cubicle sitting at a computer everyday. I wonder if that's something I could ever go back to. But if I can't shove myself back into a cubicle, what's next?

When I was a kid, like a small kid, it would've been acceptable for me to say I wanted to be an astronaut or a jet pilot. It would've been acceptable for me to say I wanted to save the world or invent a flying boat-car. Small kids are allowed to dream big. Maybe somewhere down the road of standardized tests and class profiles and job recruiting, our ability to dream was crushed by our desire to not be deemed foolish by the rest of the world. Because the "dream" job makes enough money for the big house and white picket fence and college tuition for 2.3 kids and a hefty 401k.

I would be called foolish if at 22 years old I decided I wanted to be an astronaut or a ballerina or a painter. And that's okay because I get extremely motion sick, I look terrible in pink, and I can only paint with spray paint. I think deep down inside, I'm jealous of the astronaut and ballerina and painter. I'm jealous that they had the courage to hang onto a child's dream in an adult world.

While I pray for peace and direction the next couple of days, I'm going to try and dream a little. To go beyond the box I've put myself in. I think we all have great potential to change the world around us if only we had the courage to dream.

I dare you to dream.

Dating resume

So while I was at home in LA, my brother brought an interesting topic to the dinner table conversation: a dating resume. So, Boy, this post is mostly for you.

My chances of finding a husband drastically dropped by moving to my tiny village. There's eight times as many cows as people...EIGHT! Not to mention, there's only 8,300 people here.

Mom mentioned that I needed to be eating better while I was living alone. So I've taken up baking and cooking during these lovely cold winter months. I thought baking and cooking were two desirable qualities to throw on my dating resume upon my return to America.

But baking in Japan can prove quite tricky. Considering my measuring spoons consist of "big" and "little" (those are the characters on them). And my "oven" is like baking in an Easy-Bake oven that married a microwave. But challenges are always fun. Mom bought me some lovely US measuring spoons and cups and silicon muffin cups. Let the baking begin!

Challenge #1: Finding flour.

For some reason, asking for "flour" took me all over the market and involved 3 different staff members frantically running around the store. First, the lady took me to the flowers. Then, we asked another man who took us to the boxed cake/cookie mixes. Finally, the three of us followed a different lady to the flour section...which was next to soy sauce and oil. I don't know how they organize these places.

Challenge #2: Finding baking soda.

But flour was not nearly as bad as baking soda (which is "tansan" or "jusou"). I asked a lady for baking soda, and she took me to the drink aisle. Not wanting to be rude or seem inconsiderate for her services, I grabbed a Coke and bowed. I found a man unpacking boxes and asked him for baking soda. I told him it was an orange box and sometimes used for cleaning. I was led to the laundry detergent aisle. Not helpful at all. So I gave up and tried substituting baking powder for the baking soda. Flatest, crunchiest chocolate chip cookies ever.

I did some research last night (yay Google!). I took my little paper with Japanese scribbled on it and took it to church. The ladies laughed and said, "You can buy it anywhere!" And I told them of my mishaps yesterday. One lady said, "Ask the store man for "jusou" and he will take you to it. Maybe say for hotcakes because sometimes we use it for cleaning. Maybe you can use cleaning "jusou" for cooking, but I don't want to kill you." I thought that was very considerate of her especially since we were still in church. Sure enough, I found my baking soda without even having to ask a store clerk.

Challenge #3: Wooden spoon?

So in a country that loves chopsticks and doesn't even use spoons for soup, it was highly unlikely I was going to find a wooden spoon. I never really used wooden spoons in America until a friend came over in high school to bake cookies and asked for a wooden spoon. I had always used a regular metal spoon. But since then, I've always used a wooden spoon. Lo and behold, I don't have one in Japan. And I couldn't find one. So instead, a wooden rice paddle. Yup, some things need to be compromised. Luckily this compromise wasn't as detrimental as the baking powder-baking soda compromise.

You might be saying, "Well, your mom said to eat healthier, but all you made was chocolate chip cookies." You're right--not quite healthy. So tonight, I made blueberry muffins. Gotta love the internet.

Challenge #4: Snow and milk.

It wasn't snowing when I came home from town. I kept thinking, "I'll stop and get milk later," even though I stopped at 2 different supermarkets in town. So I came home and leisurely unloaded and unpacked and leaned my shelves and just putts around the house. Then I think, "Oh man, I need to get milk to start baking my muffins. I better go now before it gets late." I open my front door to a giant snow storm. These aren't like cute snowflakes falling; it's more like God's dandruff...it's massive. Somehow in 3 hours it managed to snow about 6 inches on top of my car and blocking my driveway. To get a quarter cup of milk required me to shovel my 20 feet long driveway and dust off my car.

And since this post is mostly for you, Boy, this is what I ate for lunch:

McDonald's Big American 2 Texas 2 burger

Under the first bun: bacon, "chili" with A kidney bean and some diced onions.

Under the patty: American cheese and...mustard.

I'm not sure what the Idaho burger is, but I'm really hoping they just stuff a Big Mac with french fries. I'm definitely going to be trying all of these. Thank you, McDonald's Japan for stereotyping American culture to the max.

Sunday morning thoughts

So it's Sunday morning and I should be getting ready for church. But instead, I've been sitting in front of my heater for the last 2 hours thinking. Mostly mindless thoughts, but thinking nonetheless.

This song, "Jesus, I Lift My Eyes" by the Pat Little Band has been resonating in my head since I woke up. It's what prompted me to sit in front of the heater for the last couple hours.

Hear, O Lord, my righteous plea

Listen to my cry, give ear to my prayer

For it comes desperately

In desperate need I come to You

You're my rock and my strength

Jesus, I lift my eyes to the heavens

Where does my help come from

You, O my Lord

My heart has a thousand words to say

Please, Lord, turn burdens into praise

And in righteousness, I will see Your face

And when I awake, I will be satisfied

Satisfied in You alone and all You are for me

I'm in a weird a limbo position right now. I knew going to LA and upon coming back that I'd be here. I have to decide if I'm recontracting for another year. And there's a deadline for my decision.

I don't really know where God is leading me. It is a little terrifying to not know what's coming next. Throughout high school and college, I would always say, "One day at a time," but at some point I have to make a decision. I need to have a direction.

I thought of my dear sister T.Hanley who is on the World Race--an 11 months, 11 countries missions trip. We've had our fair share of "Jesus talks" throughout our friendship. I feel like now, she would tell me to stop looking around and start looking at Jesus. Because while she's bedridden and recovering from nasty jellyfish stings in the DR and trying to avoid cholera-infected water, I know that's exactly what she's doing.

God will provide. I have seen the ways that He has provided for me the last 6 months. I can rest assured that my God does not go back on His promises. God will provide. His provisions may not be what I am expecting or what I want, but they are what bring Him the most glory. Should I desire anything less than the glory of God to shine in this place, to open their eyes and ears to the Good News...may it never be. Lord, direct steps each and every day. Take my heart and make it Yours. You are good and You never change. God will provide.

I'm back!

It’s been 3 weeks since I last updated my blog. And it was a glorious 3 weeks back in America. What a blessing it was to be able to celebrate Christmas and New Years with family and friends! I even got a few burritos and carne asada tacos out of the trip.

It was nice to have real people sitting in front of me instead of just a face on my computer screen.

I had the privilege of going to a sorority meeting a couple days before I came back to Japan. Just sitting in the living room with sisters, some who didn’t even know me, felt like home. It was a blessing to hear the ways that God was moving in the lives of the girls present. I even got to share a little bit of what I’ve learned over the past 5 months. But the best part of my whole trip was sitting in that living room singing worship songs with my sisters. I sat there with my eyes closed and I thought this is what heaven must be like. It was my last chance to worship in English with my sisters, and I needed to be there before I came back. To sit at the feet of the King and praise Him for who He is. I needed to be there.

While I was in America, I realized people didn’t know much about my everyday life. Like how many schools I teach at, how many students I teach, what I do after work everyday, etc. So my goal is to try and help you have a better idea of my life in Japan. Hopefully that will mean more pictures of everyday things, more stories, and hopefully more insight into life in a tiny isolated dairy farming village. Things like what kind of car I drive and what the outside of my house looks like (that's the old car...and my house isn't covered in snow).

After leaving my house in PV 24 hours ago, I finally arrived back in my tiny snow covered village. I arrived in Tokyo around 4:30 am and aimlessly wandered the empty and closed airport waiting for my 8:55 flight. I did get a chance to catch the sunrise over the ocean from the 5th floor observation deck.

I also experienced the most beautiful train ride through a snow covered marsh land.

While I hurt to leave LA behind the security gates, God reminded me again that He is here and this is where I'm supposed to be.

My boss came and picked me up from the train station and drove me home. He said I was lucky I wasn't here this morning--it was -23C. Coldest for the year and coldest in Japan. Way to go, tiny village. He came and helped me set up a small heater to defrost my kitchen sink because my drain was frozen shut. Slowly but surely it melted and I heard strange gurgling noises. I didn't realize that my shower drain was also frozen until I was standing in ankle high ice water. Good thing I fixed that one before I flooded the house!

It's only about 9:30 pm, but my eyes are burning. I'm glad I have the weekend to recover from jetlag before work on Monday.