Mattering

Today (Monday), I planned to get up, have my quiet time, "go to church," and then go shopping--it's my day off AND my Sabbath, my day to enjoy and hangout with Jesus. But I automatically woke up at 6:30. I lay in bed with my phone and IMed with my kids. They told me all about their weekend up at Pismo for the annual flag football tournament.

At 9:00, I got out of bed and got ready for church. Crossroads Christian Church in Corona, CA, has an awesome live online campus. So I hopped on the computer at 9:30 and "went" to church. It's awesome to worship in English. There were about 55 other people online during the service, but when Pastor Chuck got up on stage, he gave me a personal shoutout. Someone noticed I was at church; I mattered. After church was over, I got in the car and drove an hour north to go shopping.

It was about lunch time so I decided to eat lunch before I started shopping. This lunch set was advertised on the door, so I ordered it.

I haven't had a sandwich in months. The bread was soft on the inside and crispy on the outside. The coffee was just right. AND it was cheap. I sat there on my lunch date with Jesus and smiled as I finished lunch. Then I started to wander around the store.

Lo and behold, a giant Costco size bag of pretzels. The same enormous bag of pretzels I consumed during my pledge semester 3.5 years ago. Every day while I was pledging, I would come over to the sorority house and on the "public" shelf there was this giant bag of pretzels. So I would take a handful every day and snack on it as a hung out at the sorority house until I eventually finished the bag (I'm pretty sure no one else ate those pretzels because they were pretty stale). I laughed inside thinking of all the memories that happened in that house during that semester--the sleepovers, the TP pranks, the face mask nights, the afternoons on the lawn, the Mario Kart tournaments, the arm wrestling contests on the living room floor--the laughter and joy I found in that house, in those girls.

And then I stumbled upon a mini bottle of Martinelli's and a jar of salsa. My pledgesisters enjoyed Martinelli's together when we were at SC. We were very classy and drank it straight from the bottle. I saw this tiny bottle at the store and I laughed thinking about them, my sisters, and all the memories we shared together. And, I mean, who can wrong with a jar of salsa? So I bought them. And I also bought a head(?) of broccoli which was on sale.

I grabbed a green tea latte and dessert for tonight before I headed back home.

Monday is my Sabbath. I shouldn't be on my computer right now writing this blog. But I felt like I needed to.

I made some rice and cooked some chicken and steamed my broccoli. I ate my dinner while listening to hymns. And my dinner was delicious. I try and cook something that's going to taste good on Mondays. I want to praise God for taste buds on Mondays because most other days of the week I can't. My kitchen is a disaster--there are plates and cups and pans and utensils that need to be washed. But I decided to eat dessert before it got too late.

That is a kabocha (pumpkin) tart I bought from the place I got my sandwich. I saw it when I ordered my lunch. I thought it'd be the perfect dessert for my Sabbath. For some reason, I also bought allspice today. I sprinkled a little bit of allspice and cinnamon on top, and it tasted like real pumpkin pie. I got about halfway through my pumpkin tart before I broke down crying.

Why?

Because God loves me.

He woke me up early to talk to my kids, to have them encourage me.

He let me worship Him in English and made me feel loved at church.

He reminded me that I mattered somewhere.

He made the perfect sandwich/coffee lunch set.

He showed me giant bags of pretzels, mini bottles of sparkling apple cider, and jars of salsa to remind me of His goodness.

He marked down broccoli.

He wrote allspice on my mental shopping list.

He baked me a pumpkin pie, my favorite dessert.

Why?

Because God loves me enough to put together the little things in life to remind me that I matter to Him. My God, the Creator of the Universe, the Shaper of the stars, the sovereign reigning King of Kings, knows me and pursues me and loves me. I matter to Him.

"O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.

You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways."

"I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."

"How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!

If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you."

Psalm 139:1-3, 14, 17-18

October Orchestra

October has been a hectic month. October and June get the award for busiest months. Work isn't especially busy, but I have work on the weekends. Tonight finally ended my hectic October month...and in perfect timing.

10/1 - Nakachanbetsu Agricultural Day Eve Festival

10/2 - Shibecha JH Cultural festival

10/3-7 - Work

10/8-11 - Tokyo to visit friends & family! Much needed break.

10/12-14 - Work

10/15 - REST DAY

10/16 - Nakachanbetsu ES & JH Cultural festival

10/17-21 - Work

10/22 - Numahoro ES Cultural festival

10/23 - Shibecha ES Cultural festival

10/24 - REST DAY

While I should have work tomorrow (10/23), the forecast says "heavy rain" and the festival is outside. I don't know where it will be if it's not outside, and I'm not going to wander around in the rain to find out. So tomorrow, I will rest.

I went to work at 7:15 this morning and got home around 2. I was exhausted. My eyes burned. I couldn't take a nap. I forced myself to stay awake and study. I had a concert to go to at 6:30. I didn't know what kind of concert it was, but after working 7 straight days (5 of those being 10+ hours) the last thing I wanted to do was go to a concert. I didn't even know what kind of concert it was. All I knew was that my entire office was going to be there. So I dragged myself down the street to the training center for the concert.

Classical music. I wasn't super thrilled when I walked in and saw lots of tuxedos and looked at the program to find all classical music. But when the conductor got up there and started frantically but gracefully waving his arms and the orchestra began to play, I perked up. I forgot how absolutely beautiful and amazing an orchestra sounds. I've been listening to elementary school kids play classical music on their recorders and pianicas and I was so not ready to be hit in the face with an orchestra playing Beethoven.

I forgot how much I enjoy listening to the orchestra. I'm not particularly a fan of classical music and I sure can't tell you much about it. I went to a fair share of orchestra concerts at SC to watch friends perform. It's amazing to watch so many people play so many different instruments and different notes and it still comes out beautifully. It boggles my mind. Recorders and pianicas don't do much for me, but the sound of an orchestra is engulfing. It fills the room; you can feel it. It's powerful and moving. For not being excited to go to a concert, and being less excited once I found out it was classical music, I was extremely blessed to end my hectic work week with a beautiful concert.

In honor of the SC game tomorrow, please enjoy this orchestral masterpiece.

I think God is like this crazy conductor. We're all just part of the orchestra. We play our part, our instrument, and together it creates something beautiful. I always think about the poor cymbals guy who only is heard once during a piece. But his part is no less important than the 1st chair violin soloist or the timpani guy. Yeah, the violin soloist might get more recognition and have a better seat, but the piece isn't complete with out the big clang of the cymbal. Our part no matter how big or small are all a piece of something bigger, something more beautiful than we could imagine. Because you might sound pretty good by yourself, but it's epic when God is conducting and guiding and leading us all together, all in tune to create something unique and beautiful.

Oh sing to the Lord a new song, for he has done marvelous things! His right hand and his holy arm have worked salvation for him.

The Lord has made known his salvation; he has revealed his righteousness in the sight of the nations.

He has remembered his steadfast love and faithfulness to the house of Israel. All the ends of the earth have seen the salvation of our God.

Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth; break forth into joyous song and sing praises!

Sing praises to the Lord with the lyre, with the lyre and the sound of melody!

With trumpets and the sound of the horn make a joyful noise before the King, the Lord!

Let the sea roar, and all that fills it; the world and those who dwell in it!

Let the rivers clap their hands; let the hills sing for joy together

before the Lord, for he comes to judge the earth. He will judge the world with righteousness, and the peoples with equity.

Psalm 98

Grapefruit and Irrational Fear

I'm not afraid to eat many things. I'll try things once to say I tried it. I've had my fair share of weird stuff since I came here--grilled sea snails, grilled oysters, grilled intestine chunks. I wouldn't eat them again if I didn't have to.

But I'm afraid of eating grapefruit in Japan. Like that's dumb. I eat grapefruits in LA. Grapefruits don't look weird. They don't have to be cooked. Just peel and eat and delicious citrus vitamin C!

And I'm absolutely terrified of eating them here.

When I was here in high school, I walked home from the train station every day after school past an elementary school. I was really homesick and lonely. So I saved some money and bought a grapefruit. The grapefruits (or fruits in general here) aren't cheap; it was about $4 for that grapefruit. So as I walked home from the station, I peeled my expensive grapefruit. I put one segment in my mouth and it was so sour that I cried. I cried because I was lonely and homesick, I wasted $4 on a sour grapefruit, and in that moment, everything collapsed. I climbed up to the top of the jungle gym at the elementary school, crying uncontrollably, eating an expensive sour grapefruit.

Sad story, right?

It's scarred me. I couldn't get myself to eat another grapefruit for fear that I would end up sobbing uncontrollably on top of a jungle gym. Like grapefruits have some weird teleportation powers.

But I bought one last week. They were on sale. So I bought one. I hesitated to eat it. I stared at it for a long time on my counter before I started peeling it. Before I put the first piece in my mouth, I reminded myself:

Things are different now. I won't end up on that jungle gym.

And it was good. It was a good stinkin' grapefruit. And I enjoyed it.

At least for me, on a bigger scale, there are things that I fear because of something in my past. I'm afraid of revisiting those places because, well, I don't want to end up on that jungle gym. And I think it prevents me from enjoying life and experiencing life because I hold onto this fear that the grapefruit is going to be sour and it's going to make me cry and be homesick and lonely. That fear is irrational. I'm older and wiser (maybe). My emotions are stabler and my heart is set on a firm foundation. I won't end up on that jungle gym again.