Grapefruit and Irrational Fear

I'm not afraid to eat many things. I'll try things once to say I tried it. I've had my fair share of weird stuff since I came here--grilled sea snails, grilled oysters, grilled intestine chunks. I wouldn't eat them again if I didn't have to.

But I'm afraid of eating grapefruit in Japan. Like that's dumb. I eat grapefruits in LA. Grapefruits don't look weird. They don't have to be cooked. Just peel and eat and delicious citrus vitamin C!

And I'm absolutely terrified of eating them here.

When I was here in high school, I walked home from the train station every day after school past an elementary school. I was really homesick and lonely. So I saved some money and bought a grapefruit. The grapefruits (or fruits in general here) aren't cheap; it was about $4 for that grapefruit. So as I walked home from the station, I peeled my expensive grapefruit. I put one segment in my mouth and it was so sour that I cried. I cried because I was lonely and homesick, I wasted $4 on a sour grapefruit, and in that moment, everything collapsed. I climbed up to the top of the jungle gym at the elementary school, crying uncontrollably, eating an expensive sour grapefruit.

Sad story, right?

It's scarred me. I couldn't get myself to eat another grapefruit for fear that I would end up sobbing uncontrollably on top of a jungle gym. Like grapefruits have some weird teleportation powers.

But I bought one last week. They were on sale. So I bought one. I hesitated to eat it. I stared at it for a long time on my counter before I started peeling it. Before I put the first piece in my mouth, I reminded myself:

Things are different now. I won't end up on that jungle gym.

And it was good. It was a good stinkin' grapefruit. And I enjoyed it.

At least for me, on a bigger scale, there are things that I fear because of something in my past. I'm afraid of revisiting those places because, well, I don't want to end up on that jungle gym. And I think it prevents me from enjoying life and experiencing life because I hold onto this fear that the grapefruit is going to be sour and it's going to make me cry and be homesick and lonely. That fear is irrational. I'm older and wiser (maybe). My emotions are stabler and my heart is set on a firm foundation. I won't end up on that jungle gym again.