Dog Tags

Two years ago, I was about to start my senior year of college. I was also about to begin one of the craziest (and blessed) semesters I experienced at USC. Fall semester of my senior year, I had the honor of being the pledge mom for the Theta class of my sorority. I started prepping for them in April without ever meeting them until September. I prayed for them day after day after day. And I never expected this:

Eight awkward, goofy, talented, always hungry kids who like bedtime stories and giggles and frolicking through fields. But they were (and still are) mine. I had so many things I wanted to them learn so many things through their pledge semester (and I hope they have). But little did I know how much I was going to learn from them.

One early morning, I took them to breakfast. It was 6am on Saturday--that's early for anyone but especially for college students. While we ate, I gave them each a set of dog tags (as you can see some of them wearing in the above picture). They were things I wanted them to keep close to their hearts.

I AM REDEEMED

I AM FORGIVEN

I AM BEAUTIFUL

I AM LOVED

DON'T PUT GOD IN A BOX

PRAYING ALWAYS, THUG MOMMA

I didn't want them to forget their identity. I didn't want them to limit God. I didn't want them to think no one was praying for them. I wanted them to keep these things close to their hearts.

And for the past couple of weeks, I've been in a funk. Maybe it was knowing I was coming back to Japan again. Maybe it was leaving everything at the security gate once more. Either way, it's been pretty lame. And I've been ignoring God (check my last post).

Friday was great (or so I thought). I got out of an appointment at the hospital, taught only 2 classes, got someone's phone number (that should've done it for me), received a package from Amazon AND a letter from home, wore my new Jordan IIIs, and had dinner in town with friends. But at the end of the night, I came home and felt...alone--the same feeling I've had for the past couple of weeks.

Yesterday (Saturday) I got up early (like before 7:30) and went for a run. I got kind of sad/depressed/lethargic/hopeless. Skyped with Mom and my best friend. Still alone. I sat and watched 4 hours of DVDs. I decided I needed to go to the store and buy food. I went to my bedroom to get socks and sat on the edge of the bed. I just sat in the dark on the edge of my bed for 45 minutes. God and I got real honest. I went to the store, came home, baked some bread, and finally sat down with my journal.

I feel alone. I don't want to worship. I know I need to, but it almost feels wrong. But it's the only thing that makes me feel remotely better. Baking, Skyping, reading, running, watching TV/movies--none of it felt right today. Maybe again tomorrow. Maybe. I will not stop trusting Your plan or Your love. I know You called me here for a reason. And I know You still love me even when I'm in a weird mood. I know You are still God and You deserve every ounce of worship I can muster out of me. You are God. You are Lord. You are King. You are Master over my life. You are Dad. You love me. And I can't ever repay You for what You've done.

I couldn't get myself to sing, so I opened my Bible. I read Psalms 27-33 out loud.

"Many are the sorrows of the wicked, but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord."

Psalm 32:10

I crawled into bed feeling a little bit more at peace. I lay there in the dark not able to think of anything else to say. I heard Him whisper.

You are redeemed.

You are forgiven.

You are beautiful.

You are loved.

Don't put me in a box.

Love always, Dad

Wait, seriously?

When I was in college, I loathed Mondays and Wednesdays in the mornings. Monday meant the weekend was over, and Wednesday meant the week was only half over. That's all I could focus on when my alarm clock woke me up.

But I loved Monday and Wednesday nights in college. Monday nights we had our weekly sorority meeting. While I didn't enjoy wearing girly clothes or the business stuff, I loved sitting in the living room of our sorority house worshipping God together and then praying on the front porch with my sisters. Seriously, Monday nights were awesome. Wednesday nights I played basketball with my dad. While we didn't keep score, we sure had a lot of laughs with the other guys. I loved being able to go out and run around and play ball with my Dad. And afterwards, he'd take me out to eat. Wednesday nights were awesome.

But I'm not in college anymore and I have a job and I live in the middle of nowhere. What could be so great about Mondays and Wednesdays?

I'll start with Wednesday. Wednesday is Bible study night. Every week, I hope on Skype with my Bible and hang out with 6 other English teachers in Japan. We hang out, we talk, we pray, we study, we laugh. It's good times. It is fellowship in the strangest but simplest way possible. And I love Wednesdays because I get to fellowship with other believers. And it's pretty sweet.

So Mondays. Monday is my Sabbath. I know, the Sabbath is usually Sunday, or if you're Jewish, it's Saturday. But I found having my Sabbath on Sunday doesn't work. Mostly because I have an hour drive to town to go to church and an hour drive back home. Since I'm in town, I go to the store and get my groceries and shopping done. Usually I grab dinner with the other English teachers, and I get home and need to get things ready for the week. Sunday is not an ideal Sabbath. So I decided my Sabbath would be on Monday. When I get home from work on Monday, there is no TV, no Internet, and no cell phone. It's a chance for God and I to hang out without any distractions. I look at my Sabbath like a date night with God. A night devoted to our relationship. A night to enjoy God. Usually I read and journal. Once in a while I bust out the markers and colored pencils and doodle all night. Rarely I bring out the guitar. But most weeks, it's just my Kindle and my journal.

So, I'll be honest. Last night, I spent most of the evening ignoring God. I sat in my house eating dinner ignoring God. I washed the dishes ignoring God. I jumped in the shower ignoring God. I even made an oatmeal face scrub so I could have another reason to ignore God. I sat on my couch with oatmeal stuck to my face ignoring God. Finally I ran out of things to do.

So I sat on the couch with my closed Bible and journal.

Wait, seriously?

What?

It's our date night, and you've tried so hard to ignore Me.

I don't trust You. If we're honest, we both know I don't.

Why are you afraid to trust Me?

I trust You for my salvation but not tomorrow.

Wait, seriously?

I'm afraid of what You'll ask me to give up next.

Wait, seriously?

It's been a over a year since I left LA. I'm still single. I still have no career path. I still don't have a goal. And I'm still in the middle of nowhere.

Wait, seriously?

God, I think a lot of times I'm afraid to take You seriously.

Wait, seriously?

Because taking You seriously means my life must change.

He got me. If I seriously take God at His Word, I would have no problem trusting Him with tomorrow. Right now, my life is comfortable; I don't need to trust God. But I know life as I know it could change in the blink of an eye. I know that God is the only One who will not change...ever. But my eyes are so focused on ME that I can't see Him, and when I can't see Him I act as if He's not there. And if I really take God seriously, my life needs serious change.

Do you take God seriously?

24 hours later...

Well, 24 hours after I left my parents' house in PV, I made it to my house in the village. I stayed awake and watched 2 movies on the flight, and then realized how horrible of an idea that was. I sat at Haneda Airport in Tokyo for about 4.5 hours before boarding another plane to my island. As I sat IN the airport in Tokyo, I could feel the heat & humidity--GROSS. I kept hoping that it wouldn't be miserable weather in the village.

I fell asleep before the plane even took off. I woke up halfway through the flight and opened my window. I thought we were flying over Hawai'i. Teal blue water. Not a cloud in the sky. Everything was lush and green. It was BREATHTAKING. I got off the plane to PERFECT WEATHER. Sunny with a slight breeze. Rode the train with the window open flying through the wetlands and breathing clean, fresh air again. I sat there and thanked God for letting me live in such a beautiful place. When I came back after Christmas, I thanked God for the same thing. Maybe it's His reminder that He's still going to take care of me.

So now I've been home for about an hour. My house is dusty, but everything is where I left it and the fridge still has no food (shocking). The clothes are put away and I'm slowly unpacking the rest of it. I came home with an enormous empty suitcase. I managed to fill the entire thing AND still needed a knap sack and backpack. I made it through with 19.9 kg in Tokyo. I started pulling things out that I bought over the last 3 weeks in LA.

• Cream of wheat
• Dried tortellini
• Arm & Hammer baking soda
• Pyrex measuring cup
• Meat thermometer
• Spice grater
• Pillow cases
• Children's books
• Teacher posters
• A bag of snack size Twix bars
• Gallon size Ziploc bags
• Big Ziploc containers

Odd things. They add up over 3 weeks. Just throwing in a little here and a little there. Then you realize you're overweight. Not only that, it's impossible to carry a backpack, knap sack, and extremely overweight duffel bag up and down stairs. I wanted someone else to carry it for me, but no one was going to lug my enormous, obviously heavy duffel bag up the stairs.

But I think that's like life. Little things here and there add up. Parking ticket. Unexpected change of plans. Fight with a friend. Fight with a parent. Fight with a sibling. Rejection. Failure. They add up. And we keep throwing them into our duffel bag. No one else wants to carry your baggage--everyone has their own to carry. Everyone but Jesus. But how stupid would it be if I held on to my bag while Jesus tried to carry it for me? It defeats the purpose of having Him carry it if I'm still holding on, trying to carry it for myself. Maybe it's about time to let go.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." JESUS (Matthew 11: 28-30 ESV)