I haven't slept well in days. I think in the quietness and darkness of my room at home I realize the loneliness that exists. For the past four years, I've shared a room with someone, maybe not someone I knew well, but someone nonetheless. The last few nights when I've been lying in bed and it's just me and the dark silence, I cry. Not because I'm scared of the dark, but because I'm scared of being alone. I'm beginning to realize that being alone is going to be a very real reality in just a few short days.
So last night, I really couldn't sleep. I literally laid in my bed at home and cried for a good hour. Not wanting to leave the assured company of my friends, my sisters. I ended up having this text conversation with one of my dear sisters:
Me: "Yeah, the loneliness is definitely the scariest part. I keep thinking about how alone it is going to feel & it freaks me out. I don't want to leave my community. It's so hard to trust God to provide that when I'm moving to the middle of nowhere with no people."
Her: "Mmm hmmm. And leaving such a great community. He's taking you into a new season. Be brave, be bold, cry. Skype when you can, and always be prayerful above all."
So last night, I cried. I cried to God for the first time about the whole ordeal. And in the midst of it all, I realized why it hurt so bad to be leaving them. I trusted them more than I trusted God. I put my relationships with my sisters above my relationship with God.
There's that worship song, Only You Can Satisfy, and it says, "To live for Christ I first must die to all the rivals in my life." I let my relationships with other people govern my relationship with God. I have to trust that God is going to maintain those relationships that are supposed to last and I have to thank God for letting me have those relationships in my life up to this point. So last night I laid down all those relationships at the foot of the cross. I told Him I was willing to follow Him no matter what the cost. And if those relationships are getting in the way of me being obedient to His calling, then I need to surrender those at the cross.
God, I said I'd follow You. I said I'd lay down my life at Your feet. I'l lay down my community at the foot of the cross. I thank You for blessing my life with those relationships. I thank You for surrounding me with people who love You and make me want to love You more. I thank You for the time I've been able to physically be with them. I thank You for putting skin on when I needed it the most. But these relationships are now Yours. And I'll leave them behind at the foot of the cross. These are Your daughters. I have to trust that You'll take better care of them than I do. I have to trust that You'll take better care of me than they do. God, You give and You take away. You give and You take away. My heart will choose to say, "Lord, blessed be Your name."
You are stronger. Sin is broken. You have saved me. It is written, Christ is risen. Jesus, You are Lord of all.
To live for Christ I first must die to all the rivals in my life. Only You can satisfy.
At the cross I bow my knee where Your blood was shed for me. There's no greater love than this. You have overcome the grave. Glory fills the highest place. What can seperate me now?
Sin has lost its power. Death has lost its sting. From the grave You've risen victoriously.
My Savior loves. My Savior lives. My Savior is always there for me. My God He was. My God He is. My God He's always going to be.
Oh, no, You never let go through the calm and through the storm. Oh, no, Lord, You never let go of me.
I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see. Because this broken road prepares Your will for me.
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